Helpful tips for not wearing a bra
(and convincing others to do the same)
You know that moment of relief when you take off your bra at the end of the day? That can be your life permanently, if you’re willing to follow a few simple guidelines.
To break the ice—no seriously, it’s cold in here—lean over to a stranger and whisper: I can’t tell what’s harder, wearing a bra or my nipples right now, amIright?
Don’t make eye contact with anyone for more than one second or else they’ll think you’re horny.
When walking down the street, stare straight ahead as if no one else exists. “Straight ahead,” as in, the same direction your nipples are pointing.
You know what they say: slow and steady reduces bouncing and unwanted advances.
If you get down to the lobby and—ugh!—it's raining, go back inside and never leave. It’s too dangerous in these conditions.
Your primary mission is to seek out warmth. When in doubt, start a trash fire in the alley behind Whole Foods.
Set aside ten minutes each day to look at pictures of celebrities who have also decided to go braless. This will make you feel both inferior and trendy.
Other things to avoid: purses with cross-body straps, the produce aisle, your dad.
Is there a window open somewhere? Anywhere? There’s gotta be a window open.
Proper posture is intimidating. Slump your shoulders and arch your back to avoid unwelcome stares. If stares persist, smile sympathetically at the floor.
For bonus points, apologize for having breasts as often as possible.
Layers! We love layers. When it gets particularly cold, put on every sweater you own to avoid remarks about it being “chilly in here.” Don’t worry, under that wool shield you know you’re a free woman.
Stairs are the work of the devil. Cup and roll. Better yet, never leave the castle.
If it is a packed elevator, politely decline to enter for fear of accidentally grazing your nipples on something or someone.
If you end up in an elevator with your superior, stand awkwardly in silence with your chest pressed against a flat surface until the doors open and you fall on your face.
Consider adopting a slight bend in your knee to keep your nipples below the eyeline of the general public. Only befriend people who are taller than you or blind.
Write this line in every bathroom stall until the revolution: bras were invented by men.
Hum the classic tune: “do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow,” until you instigate a flash mob or are asked to leave the playground.
Use not wearing a bra as a metaphor for your political stance. Somehow.
Wear every sports bra you own and stand outside of Victoria Secret in a yoga pose until you faint.